Thirty!

If you are not an idealist by the time you are twenty you have no heart, but if you are still an idealist by the time you are thirty, you don't have a head - Randolph Bourne

According to the quote above, I only have 6 days to quit being an idealist; otherwise I will be considered as a brainless woman. Did I say woman? I guess this is logic, since I’m turning thirty in a week I can’t refer to myself as a “girl” anymore; I’m a young woman although I’m single.

I don’t think quitting being an idealist would be an easy thing for me but I’m willing to do it. So I thought if I came up with some action items and achieved them, it might work. So here are my action items:

1. 
   Never take anything/ anyone forgranted; since everything around me is continuously changing I don't think it's wise to think anything/ anyone will stay the same forever. I should either adapt to new changes if I care enough to cotinue, otherwise I should reject these changes and move away.
2. Never expect others to read my mind and act accordingly; I should be crystal clear regarding my desires/ dislikes.
3. Be selfish sometimes and focus on ME, no matter what others may think.
4. Since nobody, including myself is perfect then just saying the words "Mr.Perfect" is so wrong. "Mr. Perfect" is nowhere to be found except on "Lala Land" and since I'll never want to be a "Lala Land" resident then I should stop searching for him.

mmmm..... I think this is enough to replace the idealist residing in my mind with a realist.

Cast Away

I need a break, a vacation to some sort of isolated island just for a couple of weeks. I need to lay on a sandy beach all day. I don't want to hear my name being called for some time. I want to reflect on myself in solitude where nobody asks me what is wrong with me.

I need to swim in a deep blue sea, hoping that the waves sweeps away my depression, my shyness and my idealism. I want my tears to mix with the sea water and become part of the universe.

I want to sleep under the sun rays, wishing that they melt away my sadness, my confusion and my pain. I want the sun to evaporate the sea water containing my tears and turn them to clouds.

I need to keep staring at the sky all night, talking to the moon and asking him to enlighten my soul, my thoughts and my heart.

I want to keep watching the clouds moving, knowing that my tears are part of them. I want the cloud holding my tears to to keep moving upwards till it reaches Heaven and then one Angel touches this cloud and blow some heveanly joy that mixes with my tears.

I wish that the cloud with my tears keeps floating in space for a while, releasing all the sadness and pain in my tears. I wish this cloud finally stops right over my head in a dark gloomy winter night and starts raining, replacing my tears of pain with tears of joy.

City of Angels

I was robbed twice in one month!!

It's not like somebody has pointed a gun to my head, it's not my bag, my purse or my mobile phone that was stolen, its my food!! Yes my food was stolen twice at the office. First time my toast and chicken lancheon and second it was my brown beans sandwich.

I know its not a big deal, but the idealist residing in my mind still considers it a robbery. Someone opens the refrigerator (the company's refregirator in which all employees keep their stuff), takes some food (which he/she knows for sure it is not his/her food) and eats it does not sound normal to me.

I started acting like Lieutenant Columbo (which I usually do whenever I get the chance) and began to analyze the robbery and search for suspects. But since all my colleagues at the office are known to be good, religious people I got puzzled and could not accuse anyone of stealing my food.

Then I started to ask myself if being religious means that one should have ethics and morals that prevent one from stealing. But according to my case the answer was No.

Then I started to look at the bigger picture and realized that what happened at the office is just a sample of what is happening all around me. I look at the mosques and churches all round me and find them crowded with people as If I live in the "City of Angels". Then I read the newspapers or watch TV and feel shocked with all the briberies, roberries, rapes and domestic violence commited everyday. If I live in the "City of Angels" then who comit these crimes everyday?

I have reached the conclusion that religion is no more responsible for setting people's moral standards. But this conclusion made me ask myself some questions; If religion no more shapes people's values and ethics then what's the use of religion? What's the point behind reading the holy books if people never practice what they read? Are people aware that being religious and being good can not be separated?

Wikipedia defines religion as follows:

The term "religion" refers to both the personal practices related to communal faith and to group rituals and communication stemming from shared conviction.

I guess this is not the case in our society nowadays; people ignore the "personal practices related to communal faith" part and only concentrate on the "group rituals and communication stemming from shared conviction", which resulted in a society of pretenders.

I don't know whose fault is this, but I guess our society is suffering and will suffer a lot from such pretenders; those who have limited religion to some rituals, those who have separated religion from our daily life, those who take religion as a camouflage to hide their evil doings.

I know I madly love him when...

... I hear his footsteps outside the door and hurry to open the door for him before he rings the bell.

... when he introduces me to a friend of his then lovingly wraps his arm around me and I feel so special to him.

... when he is asked "Would you like a nescafe?" and he answers "Only if Sue will make it for me" and I feel flattered.

... when I'm wearing a new outfit and he looks at me saying "Eih el 7alawa dy" (Look at you, you look gorgeous) and his nice words make my day.

... when I make him a lemonade on a very hot day and he drinks it and tells me "Shokran Captain" (Thanks Captain).

... he pretends to be angry with me when I don't say hello and give him a kiss once he enters the house and when I go kiss him he forgets all about it.
... I see a tear in his eye and then one nanosecond later I start crying just for seeing this precious tear in his eye.

... when he tells me that the first time we went out together alone was when I was two months old.

... when I get mad at something and then he tells me "ana 3aref enty tal3a zarboona le meen" (I know where you got your bad temper).

... when I have a bad dream that something bad happened to him and I wake up with tears in my eyes.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I wish you know how much I madly love you.

An old piece of writing

Years ago when I was sixteen years old, on my back home from a physics tutor, a woman waved to the taxi I was riding. The taxi driver pulled over and the woman told him where she wanted to go and he said okay. The woman had two kids; a boy and a baby girl and the three sat beside me at the back seat. She was very pretty, and her kids were so cute, she started playing with her baby girl and I learned that the girl's name was Jessica (Jessica is a name that I've adored for many years and kept telling everybody that if I'll ever have a baby girl I'll call her Jessica). After I went home I wrote thes few lines:

She was sitting beside me
And her two kids with her

I was sitting next to her
With my few books with me

Her kids were so nice
Her daughter smiled to me twice

I saw my future in the woman's eyes
She saw in me her past days

I wished I would become a mother
She wished she would return a student

Love and Life

Last Thursday was Valentine's Day on which people act as if it is the only day they are allowed to express their feelings to their sweethearts.

I recieved this story a few months ago and I dedicate it to all those who have limited the meaning of love to a bunch of flowers and a present wrapped in red.


LOVE & LIFE

This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.

My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why? " he asked, shocked.

"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world !" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?

And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.

Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"

He said: " I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further..... This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs,and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do ... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's LIFE, and LOVE.

When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...

Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE


Who said S/W Engineers are geeks?!!

Could this be a good advice?!!!!

“I would say even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he’s someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you … I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway).”

You can read the complete article here

Me, Myself and 2007

2007: Hey there!
Me: Hey…… I heard you’re leaving soon

2007: Yes, I came to say goodbye and have a little talk with you
Me: Sure thing

2007: Do you think I was a good company?
Me: mmmm…I am afraid you were not

2007: How could you say this?……I wasted every single day of mine on you
Me: Okay let me remind you. Remember last February, my sister’s breakup with G. Remember how her heart was broken and how my family had a sad time?

2007: I do remember, but after a couple of weeks you were promoted to a team lead position which was a kind of a cheer up for you and your family
Me: That’s true but then I started facing problems with my team and I really had a hard time

2007: And you were able to solve them and gain everybody’s trust and appreciation
Me: Do you think you got me? I will think of something better. Remember my birthday?

2007 (covering her face): I thought you forgot about it
Me: How could I forget my worst birthday ever? A 50 degrees temperature, a sandy storm and all my friends going to Alex

2007: This was not a big deal I guess; you usually don’t enjoy your birthdays anyway
Me: Okay, okay I still have more against you. Remember when my friend S traveled on business for six weeks and how I felt lonely

2007: But you decided to create your blog in order to compensate for your loneliness
Me: I guess you’re right; I wouldn’t have the guts to create this blog if S hadn’t traveled. I missed my chats with S so much but I also found a relief in my blog

2007: I think you were a bit harsh when you said you did not enjoy my company
Me: No I wasn’t, it seems you have a bad memory. Remember my father’s cataract surgery and how I was so worried about him? Remember aunt’s T death? Does this sound fun to you?

2007: Come on, your father surgery was a simple one and you know how much your aunt suffered as being an Alzheimer patient
Me: I almost forgot this one, remember K?

2007: Jeeez, I thought you’ll never mention this one
Me: I can’t help mentioning it. Do you expect me to forget about the ------- [insert a bad word here] who broke my friend’s heart? How can I forget her grief and misery after she discovered that he had been lying to her for two years? How can I forget my friend’s state of astonishment and the many whys she kept asking herself?

2007: I thought this conversation was about US
Me: It is, don’t you think that I must have affected by my friend’s sadness? Don’t you know how I blamed and I am still blaming myself for all this? Don’t you know how I feel guilty for not warning her about K from the very start? Don’t you know that I blame myself every day on not disclosing my doubts and fears to her months ago?

2007: Well although it has been a bitter experience for your friend I guess she has learnt many lessons. She will never trust anyone with her feelings till she makes sure they deserve such trust. She will not wear her heart on her sleeve anymore
Me: I’m sure she will

2007: Do you have anything else to blame on me?
Me: There’s one more thing but I won’t say it

2007: Well I guess I’m smart enough to guess
Me: I’ve been talking too much about myself for a while now, your turn

2007: A good approach to change the subject, what do you want to know about me?
Me: What are you supposed to do after you leave?

2007: Well I go visit my sisters and my father
Me: I guess I met your older sisters but who’s your father

2007: History
Me: I see, I guess after you leave you start telling him millions of stories

2007: Sort of
Me: Listen, perhaps you were not a bad company after all. I really enjoyed last Thursday with my friends, it was a perfect day. I am also happy I got daddy’s car, I really love this car.

2007: Oh my God, I’m flattered. I guess its time to say goodbye
Me: So soon, we still have one more week

2007: I prefer to do my goodbyes a bit early, need to rest and pack
Me: Okay goodbye, it was a pleasure talking to you. May I ask you a little favor?

2007: Sure thing
Me: would you ask your younger sister aka 2008 to bring an ice breaker with her?

2007(winking): I will…..anything else?
Me: No thanks, goodbye 20072007: Goodbye Sue

Kooky and Moody

Kooky and Moody are two two brothers who live in my building, Kooky is almost 20 years old while Moody is almost 8 years old. Kooky used to be a spoilt brat. I have to say that it was his mother (who I am actually writing this post about) who spoilt him; she, like many careless mothers, did not teach him discipline and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. Ten years ago I usually heard such a conversation between Kooky and his mom.

Mom (standing in the balcony): Koooookyyyyyyyyyy
Kooky: aywa ya mama (yes mom)
Mom: 2etla3a ba2a el sa3a (come back home its late).....(usually after 11 PM)
Kooky: bla bla bla (asking her to stay with his friends for a while)
Mom: ba2olk 2etla3 (I said come back home)

They kept arguing for a while, till Kooky was forced to return home. Of course Koky was careless at school, he did not do his homework and sometimes failed to pass his final exams (beygeeb mala7e2), so he had to study during the summer vacation in order to take the exams once more. Sometimes the mother asked me to give Kooky some help with his studies, in order to get prepared for the second exams. Kooky used to come to my plcae with his books and I started to explain some English and Mathematics for him. I have to admit that the kid almost knew nothing about the lessons I started to explain, as if he did not go to school for the whole year. I wanted to help the kid and thought that if I gave him some help he might show any progress. After each visit, I gave Kooky some homework and told him I will review the homework next time.

One day kooky's mother called my mom to thank her for helping Kooky with his lessons and she told her and the call went as follows:

Kooky's mom: Kooky beye3mel wageb el Math (Kooky is doing his Math homework now)
My mom: tayeb kowayess, wel masa2el sahla 3aleih we 3aref ye7elaha?(And how is it going?)
kooky's mom: aho masek el calculator we 3amal ye7seb (He is using the calculator to solve them)

After the call with Kooky's mother, my mom told me that the kid used the calculator to do his homework which really surprised me. How could a mother do this? How could she allow a 10 yeras old kid to use the calculator to solve his math homework? Didn't she realize that she was following a wrong strategy with him so that he failed his exams? Didn't she learn the lesson? Did she eralize that she was spoiling the kid? I kept asking myself such questions and found no answer to any of them.I really can't remeber what happened next; if I blamed Kooky for using the calculator or what. All I can remember that Kooky stopped visting my place shortly after that.

Years passed and Kooky showed kept struggling with his lessons, in high school he did not get good grades so he was not able to go to college and he ended up working in a factory that belongs to his uncle.

A few days ago I heard the following conversation between Kooky's mother and Moody, Kooky's younger brother at 1 AM:

Mom (standing in the balcony): Moooodyyyyyyyyyy
Moody: aywa ya mama (yes mom)
Mom: 2etla3a ba2a el sa3a (come back home its late)
Moody: bla bla bla (asking her to stay with his friends for a while)
Mom: ba2olk 2etla3 (I said come back home)

"Oh my God, not again", this is all I could say. It seems that the woman is repeating the same story all over again. This woman's attitude made me ask myself this question:

If having an abortion is considered a sin in many religions and is forbidden by many countries, what about having children ,not bringing them up properly and spoiling them so that they become murderers, drug dealres, rapists or simlpy losers that don't do any good to anyone?

The Others.....Two Incidents

A few weeks ago the following conversation took place between my friend, who had been to USA for a short while, and me:

X: When I was in USA everybody kept asking me "Do you have kids?"
Me: And what did you answer them?
X: I just answered "No, I'm not married yet"
Me: According to their culture, marriage has nothing to do with having kids.
X: 2e7na ma3andenash el kalam da (our culture is different).
Me: yes I know, but your answer did not make sense to anyone who asked u this question.
X: ana 2olt ely shofto sa7 we 7'alas (I just said what I thought is right).

This short conversation made me think for a while why we don't accept the others' cultures, beliefs and opinions if they are differnt from what we think is right. If I were in X's shoes I would give a simple "No" as an answer. Someone asked me a simple question and I should give a simple and relevant answer. It's not a debate about different cultures where I need to point out that WE are better than YOU because we have our customs and traditions that forbid having children outside marriage.

These thoughts revisited me after watching some random episodes from the Egyptian soap opera "Nostalgia- 7anan we 7aneen". I did not like the show anyway, but what really drew my attention is the idea of comparison between the American and Egyptian societies. The first few episodes started in USA where an Egyptian family of a man, his wife, his daughter and his brother in law moved to the USA twenty years ago. Througout these few episodes, the show makers did everything they could to show how terrible the American society is; how people only care about money and don't care about their families. It's been shown that it was not safe to have walk in the streets as the daughter and her friend were attacked by two guys who tried to rape them and they were saved by the cops who arrived in the last moment. The idea that life in the USA is terrible was summed up when the mother died when a bomb exploded in her restaurant (this happened shortly after she had given up her Egyptian nationality!!!!!!!).

After this accident the father takes his daughter and returns back to Egypt where life is totally different; people are so loving, nice and welcoming that their neighbours brought them "saneyet basboosa" (oriental desert) as a nice gesture on their arrival. All the following episodes kept exploring the fact that life in Egypt is much more safe, nice and full of deep meanings.

I am totally against the concept of generalization; that all other foriegn socities are bad and that our society is the best ever. I also think that this show is not real, for example these days if I moved to a new building, none of the neighbours will bring me a desert and to be honest if we got some new neighbours my mom will not bring them a desert. Many people say it is a romantic show which brings back some nice feelings and I say it is a fake show, anything that does not reflect reality , unless labeled "fiction", is fake for me.

I guess what really our TV shows should address is how to respect the others, how to accept them and how to learn from them what makes them succeed and excel instead of wasting our time crticizing the others and bragging that we are the best ever.